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Monday, September 10, 2012

Forgiveness

One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to forgive others and move on. With enemies, past lovers, random people who hurt my feelings, and even best friends. I can not seem to hold a grudge for very long. However, there is one person I just haven't gotten there with. My mom.

This post is inspired from a string of tweets I seen last night in regards to forgiving one's parent's and not letting them pass away with that grudge, or knowing that you never fixed whatever issues you had with them. I have, what I believe to be, a very diverse timeline. I really see all kinds of thoughts and view points cross my timeline. Some people were very regretful that they hadn't been able to fix those relationships and some weren't. I fall into the latter.

Outside looking in, I had a great childhood. I was well taken care of, I had food, nice clothes, grew up in a nice house. My mom drove nice cars and had a new one every two years, sometimes less. I attended good schools and was almost a straight A student. My father wasn't really around but my mom and grandma tried to compensate for that. My mom took me on trips and pretty much provided me with all of the things I need to have a great childhood. Except a few things.

See, my mom was a provider, not a nurturer and as a kid, you need both. But it wasn't like my mom didn't have the motherly instinct in her, she did, she just showed it to my sister, which was fine. My dad was still around then and I got my love from him. But then when my sister passed, my parents got divorced, I was on my own. My mom was withdrawn and I sought attention in other ways; school when I was younger, reading and video games. Then it eventually became boys when I went to high school. Between my grandma, my uncle, books and tv, I tried to raise myself to be the person I wanted to be.

But back to my mom. My mom was young when she had me, young when my sister passed and young when she got divorced. She was concerned with living her life, and while I was taken care of financially and didn't want for anything materialistically, that love, that support, that nurturing just wasn't there. And I probably could have lived and accepted that, but my mom worked hard to bring me down in every way.

My mom would dog me, talk about me, beat me and put me through all types of mental, emotional and some physical abuse. I grew up resenting her. How could you have so much hate in your heart for your own kid? Most kids feel safe with their parents but every day, EVERY day, I would come home and have to guess what kind of mood my mom was in and walk on egg shells from there. I would have small panic attacks even then, no surprise I suffer from them now.

Some people would say that the past is the past and I have to find a way to get pass that, which I believe too, I should. But hurt people hurt people and my mom is still hurting. She's STILL trying to do the same things she use to do, just in a different way. I do not want that in my life. What if I have kids? I wouldn't dare take them to my mom's house. Why even possibly subject them to the same experience that I had? And I really feel bad because I have younger siblings that stay with my mom. I try to get them as often as possible and provide the love that I know they aren't getting. But it never seems like enough.

I guess there was no real point to this post other than to get some things off my chest. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive my mom but a relationship with her is probably never to happen. People can change, but that's a lot of changing, over 20 years of things to repair and seeing how my mom thinks nothing is wrong, I won't hold my breath.

Is anyone else struggling with forgiving a parent? Did you ever eventually forgive them?

Friday, August 31, 2012

Prayers go up...

I've got butterflies!!!!

All week on my Facebook and Twitter, I had been seeing the

phrase, "Prayers go up and blessings come down". Now, I'm

not a religious person, at all, but I do pray, and on the night

that I made the "Dating Blues" post, I prayed. I prayed so

hard that I would meet someone who had the qualities

that I wanted, which I made sure to list out in my prayer.

And I swear, prayers go up and blessings come

down!!! He came to me so simply, I almost looked him over.

But I am more than excited to start this new chapter in my

life.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Dating Blues

If I had to name my main problem with dating thus far, it would definitely be the fact that none of the men I come across have me feeling excited, inspired. They all leave me with a feeling of....something.

I meet men and I'm excited to meet someone new, but other than that, they don't hold my attention. I don't know if this is a problem on their end, mine, or a combination of both. But I'll tell you, I can't WAIT to meet someone who can hold my attention for more than a week.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Random Late Night Thoughts

It's been awhile since I posted anything but I'm feeling in a certain mood tonight. It's close to 1am and even though I should be sleep, I'm more  than awake.

Let me talk about what's kind of keeping me up. I have a few health issues I'm dealing with. One being that I suffer from anxiety attacks. Whatever I'm worried about becomes a major deal and it affects me in major ways. The physical effects: heart rate increases, I feel nervous, my stomach gets major butterflies. Then, I can't sleep. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn't and in a great quantity. I try to monitor my stress; find some outlet that helps. Because the last time I had a really Serious anxiety attack, my hair fell out, my weight fluctuated and I had severe insomnia. Not trying go go back down that road again.

The other not so stressful thing that's on my mind is this guy that I'm currently interested in. He's not my "type" for several reasons, the main being that he's in the entertainment industry and I told myself I would never date those types. But we all know there is an exception to every rule and he just may be it. I don't feel like a school girl with him, it's more of a relaxed-I've known you forever type of feeling. When it's just us, one on one, it's like time stands still. But there are flags. Flags that I'm not sure if I can work around.

I've always described myself as a modern woman with a traditional twist. I'm a firm believer that what works for one person, may not work for another. What worked in one relationship may not work in another because of people's wants and needs. I believe that you do what works for the people involved. Whether it's something as untraditional as having a 3rd or 4th person in the relationship to the man stays home while the woman works. Whatever is best for you.

However, there are of course, things and advice which have stood the test of time. They should definitely be taken into consideration when determining rules/boundaries for a relationship. And that ladies and gentlemen is where my problem lies.

I'm conflicted with doing what it takes to give it a fair shot (within reason) and following these tried and true guidelines so to speak. I'm sure my decision would be easier if I was sure how he felt but I'm not. I'm sure my decision would be easier if my guard wasn't up but it is. Even though he jumped in breaking down  walls, some are still there.

I guess now's the time to pray for guidance and peace and understanding. Let's hope it comes.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Day 8- Your Favorite Internet Friend ( Jamal Christion)

Dear Jamal,

I have known you for years and we still even keep in touch. You have always been a blessing in my life, delivering just want I need at the right moments. Thank you for always being there and I look forward to continuing our friendship!

Always,
-P

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day 7- Your Ex (to CBM

*sigh*

An overwhelming feeling washed over me as I read who I was suppose to write a letter to for Day 7. Since I already did one to my crush and I don't have a girlfriend, you were my only option. I don't even know where to begin.

You were the first person I ever felt connected with. Not that instant lust attraction, but the connection that's not explainable; the one that's spiritual. I remember our first date like it was yesterday. I wouldn't change a thing. We moved fast, but it felt so right. How could a love so genuine and strong be wrong. I still don't think it was wrong, but I definitely know now that you weren't ready to be in the type of relationship that I wanted, that I needed. You were still healing from your divorce. And while I'm sure I was more than a distraction, what we had was definitely meant to only be temporary.

At some point, I stopped being me and tried to be who you needed me to be. I know better now. Our breakup was the worse. Truly love sick, I couldn't sleep, eat and all I could think of was you. Breaking out into random crying spells, avoiding certain songs, people and activities that reminded me of you. It was hard. It took me almost 2 years to fully get over you.

But now that I have, I want to thank you for every moment. Both the good and the bad. You have helped me grow and really dig deep into my spirit to really realize what it is that I need. Which things I am willing to compromise on and which things that I can't.

I miss you and the kid. I hope all is well.

Day 6- Stranger (Laundry Mat Men)

Dear Men in here doing Y'all Laundry,

Y'all are fine!!!!! Why y'all don't have washers at home?? Oh well, more eye candy for me! :)