One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to forgive others and move on. With enemies, past lovers, random people who hurt my feelings, and even best friends. I can not seem to hold a grudge for very long. However, there is one person I just haven't gotten there with. My mom.
This post is inspired from a string of tweets I seen last night in regards to forgiving one's parent's and not letting them pass away with that grudge, or knowing that you never fixed whatever issues you had with them. I have, what I believe to be, a very diverse timeline. I really see all kinds of thoughts and view points cross my timeline. Some people were very regretful that they hadn't been able to fix those relationships and some weren't. I fall into the latter.
Outside looking in, I had a great childhood. I was well taken care of, I had food, nice clothes, grew up in a nice house. My mom drove nice cars and had a new one every two years, sometimes less. I attended good schools and was almost a straight A student. My father wasn't really around but my mom and grandma tried to compensate for that. My mom took me on trips and pretty much provided me with all of the things I need to have a great childhood. Except a few things.
See, my mom was a provider, not a nurturer and as a kid, you need both. But it wasn't like my mom didn't have the motherly instinct in her, she did, she just showed it to my sister, which was fine. My dad was still around then and I got my love from him. But then when my sister passed, my parents got divorced, I was on my own. My mom was withdrawn and I sought attention in other ways; school when I was younger, reading and video games. Then it eventually became boys when I went to high school. Between my grandma, my uncle, books and tv, I tried to raise myself to be the person I wanted to be.
But back to my mom. My mom was young when she had me, young when my sister passed and young when she got divorced. She was concerned with living her life, and while I was taken care of financially and didn't want for anything materialistically, that love, that support, that nurturing just wasn't there. And I probably could have lived and accepted that, but my mom worked hard to bring me down in every way.
My mom would dog me, talk about me, beat me and put me through all types of mental, emotional and some physical abuse. I grew up resenting her. How could you have so much hate in your heart for your own kid? Most kids feel safe with their parents but every day, EVERY day, I would come home and have to guess what kind of mood my mom was in and walk on egg shells from there. I would have small panic attacks even then, no surprise I suffer from them now.
Some people would say that the past is the past and I have to find a way to get pass that, which I believe too, I should. But hurt people hurt people and my mom is still hurting. She's STILL trying to do the same things she use to do, just in a different way. I do not want that in my life. What if I have kids? I wouldn't dare take them to my mom's house. Why even possibly subject them to the same experience that I had? And I really feel bad because I have younger siblings that stay with my mom. I try to get them as often as possible and provide the love that I know they aren't getting. But it never seems like enough.
I guess there was no real point to this post other than to get some things off my chest. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive my mom but a relationship with her is probably never to happen. People can change, but that's a lot of changing, over 20 years of things to repair and seeing how my mom thinks nothing is wrong, I won't hold my breath.
Is anyone else struggling with forgiving a parent? Did you ever eventually forgive them?